It's about 10:00 p.m. and I'm sitting in my chair watching tv right...I've been awake, more or less, since 2:30 a.m. because my knees and hips hate me with unbridled passion. I find it terribly ironic that the doctors want me to eat right and exercise as much as possible, but no one wants to talk about the reality of the consequences of any of this.
It doesn't matter what I eat, it's bad for something that is wrong with me. EVERYTHING has something wrong with it when it comes to my health. One of the doctors found it quite hilarious when he pointed out that the only things I was really safe eating and drinking were ice and water. Give them a few more months...they'll find something wrong with that.
They also told me that I am supposed to exercise as much as possible...within reason (HAHAHA)...whatever that means. I go to the gym, I can barely walk for two days. I do try to cut the grass, do yard work, and of course, I like to get out and make stuff. But it has a price...a stiff price. By stiff, I mean that I'm literally so stiff the next day, I usually never leave my chair. And I love walking my dog, but she's some kind of strong and she moves a lot faster than me. One of my neighbors let their dog loose yesterday and he jumped on my Dixie. I was in the middle...but she held her own and defended us both well...until the neighbor decided to get control of her dog. Twisted my knee during the scuffle...came home, sat down and had a good cry.
And that brings me to today. At about 2:30 this morning, I woke up hurting so bad I was actually nauseated. I hate pain meds and with cirrhosis, I try really hard now to limit the amount of drugs I am putting into my body. I mean...I'm a walking pharmaceutical depository...My doctors actually just ask me to bring a list of meds to my appointments. It takes to long to take each individual bottle out and read them.
And, I try to keep quiet about it to my wife. She's been forced to listen to me whine and complain for so long, I just don't want to burden her with it. It's moments like that when I really miss my mom. Nothing against my wife, but she has to live with me ALL the time. Anyway, a guy's mom just always would listen and know just what to say that would make you feel better. I bet I've reached for my phone a dozen times in the last week...to call my mom. I'd actually forget, for a second, that she was gone.
Then it happened. I found the card. I was cleaning up my work space in the garage and I found my mom's final birthday card to me...from last year. Didn't really think about it at the time, but I just couldn't bring myself to throw it away. So, I put it up...until yesterday. The handwriting was very shaky, but I'd know it anywhere. I just lost it. I haven't been able to keep my mind focused on anything since. I guess you can tell...I'm still not really coping with her death very well.
So what's this got to do with my physical ills? Well, in 5 days, I'm having knee replacement surgery. If everything goes ok and I'm able to tolerate it well and do what I'm supposed to do, I'll have the other one done before the end of the year. My wife is and has always been my support structure...and I love her more than words can ever express adequately. But I've NEVER faced a major issue in my life without being able to talk to my mom. Even if it was only a quick 60 second phone call, just hearing her voice and the reassuring words she would say made it easier.
Not this time....not ever again. I guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself and I'm quite sure that I'm probably clinically depressed. I can't sleep well and I seem to be angry and anxious all the time. AND...I'm scared. I've NEVER faced a major crisis in my life without my mom....EVER!!! It's funny, but I'm about to be 55 years old and I'm sounding like a little kid, but I don't know any other way to describe what I feel. I'm SCARED!
This is, without a doubt, the most intense thing I've faced in the last several years, and I wish my mom was here for support, but one thing I do know. I've been so blessed with a wife and children that have stood by me and helped me through the darkest days and nights of my life and I know that they are with me through this. But allow me this one indulgence...5 years old or 55 years old...I sure do wish my mama was going to be there on "KNEE DAY"!
Peace & Love
I promise to quit whining!
Husband, father, sinner saved by the Grace of God, old teacher, wood-worker, bad golfer, USM Golden Eagle (forever) and MSU Bulldog lover (It's a daughter thing)